Since school has started back up I have just felt terrible. I feel like I should just type things out, so I figured I might as well post it here while I'm at it.
The first week of school was pretty much fine. Besides LMC canceling my softball class and forcing me to waste time trying to figure out a new schedule. But forgetting that, you could say that it was normal. Then it was the weekend, which should be nice and relaxing. Well not really for me. I texted my mom on Friday asking about me visiting on Saturday. She usually complains when I don't visit her often, and I didn't have anything planned so I figured I'd head over there. Big mistake.
I don't really remember anything that happened on Friday, so it must have been all good there. I end up going to my moms on Saturday around 2. I couldn't even drive my Oldsmobile since the windshield was foggy and my dad didn't feel like fixing whatever had come loose that prevented the vents from working to defrost it. Ok, that's fine. I took my grandma's car instead, which was probably best for me to take since the wipers work better.
Well I get to my mom's apartment and walk in. Music is blasting from my brothers room and 3 of his friends are over and they are all (including my mom) playing Monopoly. Oh great, a day that was supposed to be a "family day" has now turned into me dealing with 13-15 year old boys.
Eventually their game ends and they all go into my brothers room to play video games. That just leaves my mom and I to catch up a bit. Oh boy, that's a bad idea to begin with. Turns out she's still being insanely stupid. I'm definitely not going to go into any detail about what was said to me (or shown to me) but I can guarantee that mothers should not discuss those things with their daughters no matter how old they are or "mature" they are.
I leave after only spending a few hours there since I really don't think I could have handled any more insanity. That day is when things started to turn sour for me. That night I had a terrible time trying to sleep and I kept having major lower back pain. Every night since then has just been me tossing and turning and unable to get a proper nights sleep. Last night I was dead tired and even took a sleeping aid just to make sure I would sleep through the night. That didn't help one bit and that night ended up the same as the rest. Each morning I just feel achy, tired, and depressed. My back hurts constantly and I keep having the worst headaches. It also seems like I'm cursed since everything that can go wrong, has.
I guess I just don't know what to do. School isn't the problem. I haven't missed a day yet and have been going to my classes and doing the work and so on. It's just the way I feel that I can't tolerate. Another problem is that everything I'm taking at the college is worthless. They have nothing I am interested in and I refuse to just take the "general" requirements classes. I want to do more than that and actually enjoy the classes I'm in.
Another thing to add to the mix is that I posted an ad on Craigslist stating that I am looking for a horse farm to work at in exchange for being able to ride horses for free. I've had the ad up for a little while now and I've received a response. A horse farm located about an hour away from me is looking for a full time/live in farm hand. Basically I could do the chores on the farm in exchange for a room, utilities, and being able to ride the horses. Now this is something that I would love to do. The problem though is that I'd have to live there, and full time would mean I most likely wouldn't be able to attend college. So on one hand I can stay here and be miserable, or check out the farm and the owners (the farm has a website that I checked out, but being Craigslist I'm obviously still wary) and if that all checks out possibly move up there and gain experience and references for what I actually want to do with my life.
Another thing that has popped up is that I might possibly be getting a job at the local Qdoba. I was informed by the employees when I went in there the other day that they were hiring, so I filled out an application. They told my to write down that they referred me and the next day I talked to the manager about the position. She wrote my name down so that she'd remember that I came in and talked to her. If they do decided to do interviews it still won't be for a few weeks. I've had the absolute worse luck with jobs, so my hopes aren't too high, but there's still a possibility.
Basically I am just at a loss as to what I should do right now. I really want to move in a positive direction and work towards my ultimate goal, but I'm not sure if that's the correct decision for this moment. I know I'd be a thousand times happier at the farm, but what about my so called "education"? Would it be worth it to put it on hold? Especially since what I want to do doesn't require a college degree? I would love to have an equine major, and Oklahoma State (I believe it is) has something I'd be highly interested in, but there is no way I could possibly attend there without taking out a loan. Is the best option to just wait, build experience, and try to go when I have some money saved?
I definitely know what I want to do, but I simply don't know if it's the correct choice. I don't want to just sit by and watch opportunities float by either. I want to take action.
God help me.
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